I started this blog in 2016 with the hopes of never drinking again. I think I ended up making it to day 11 and convinced myself somehow that it’d be okay to have a beer or six in the comfort of my own home with some friends, and then the cycle of breaking my own promises to myself continued.
Over the past 3 years, I couldn’t tell you how many times I tried to make rules, promises, and positive changes that I didn’t follow through with shortly after. I was so in denial at times that I would completely try to shut off the part of my brain that ever thought I had a drinking problem. I still wanted to “guilt-free” enjoy alcohol-fueled days and nights full of bar hopping and binging…but it always made me feel guilty in the end.
I don’t know what it was about that weekend 30 days ago that marked the end of an era. My boyfriend sat me down and told me he was scared about my well-being. Watching me jump off a boat and struggle in the water was his moment where he realized my drinking puts me in serious danger. That wouldn’t be the first time I had a near-death experience due to alcohol. I was tired of feeling scared of my own actions and imagining worst-case scenarios where I would ruin my own life without even knowing. I was tired of being in the same place, calling out of work so I could nurse my severe hangover, and saying my sorries to everybody that had to deal with my blacked out antics. I just finally felt done in my heart and soul. I realized I was ready to let go.
Something that I’ve learned over the past 30 days is that quitting drinking won’t solve ALL my problems. As an anxious person, drinking definitely adds on a lot of unnecessary stressful things to be anxious about, but not drinking won’t completely cure my anxiety. I still have insecurities and self-esteem issues that I need to work on and heal, but at least I won’t be masking them with alcohol and adding fuel to the fire.
I expected the extra weight I accumulated in the past 9 months to fall off me, for my skin to magically be crystal clear, and to just be the happiest person in the world because I quit drinking. That’s not the case. It still takes a lot of effort to find self-love and improve the areas of your life that you’ve been neglecting, but it’s easier to do now that you’re not dedicated to self-sabotaging.
I’m really proud of how I handled this first 30 days. I didn’t feel tempted to drink and I put myself in situations where alcohol was around and I still enjoyed myself. Looking at life through sober eyes and finding it within myself to feel happy like a child over the littlest things without the help of an outside substance has been so rewarding and special. Here’s to the next 30 days and more!