tired of being tired

What was my breaking point? My rock bottom? My final straw?

Was it crashing my car? No. Going to jail? Nope. Being on probation? Definitely not. I drank more than I ever did while on probation…and I was underage.

Going to the hospital due to a drunken head injury wasn’t it either. And when I had plans to move in with a friend, but she told me that she didn’t want to live with me anymore because of my “scary” drinking habits…that still wasn’t enough to make me really stop.

There were so many concerning moments that should’ve been THE moment that I decided to quit drinking forever. Yet, I still dug up any excuse I could to keep my self-destructive lifestyle alive. I had a job, I went to class, I got good grades, and I had big dreams. I wasn’t totally hopeless, so I told myself that I didn’t have a real problem. But alcohol was at the root of every problem I had.

About three Sundays ago, I got too drunk on my friend’s boat. Surprise, surprise. Nothing new there. After feeling compelled to jump off the side of the boat for whatever reason, I got carried away by the strong current and had to be saved by my boyfriend because I was too physically impaired to swim back myself. I lost my $300 prescription sunglasses in the process, along with my dignity. The boat day was over after that. Then all I remember is my boyfriend finding me on the kitchen floor cradling a bottle of gin.

I woke up the next day feeling absolutely terrible. I have been in the same, pitiful place too many times to count. I don’t know what it was, but that was the last time I wanted to be there. No matter what I tried to do to “manage” my drinking, no matter how many “breaks” I took, no matter how many times I tried to be “normal”…I always ended up in the same place. Wrapped up in a towel and hanging over the toilet, feeling sorry for myself.

I’m. just. done. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of desperately trying to regenerate brain cells, sweating out the toxins, and green juicing my way to the weekend just to do it all over again. Something feels different. I feel like I’ve truly surrendered this time.

I’m 24 years old and I’ve accepted the fact that alcohol and I don’t mix. I’ll be sober at the football game I’m attending tomorrow. I’ll be sober at my best friend’s bachelorette party next summer. I’ll be sober at my own wedding. And I’ll be sober for alllll of the holidays and other special events to come. And I’m finally okay with that. A life without booze is a lot better than a life where I’m just going in circles, never reaching my full potential.

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