dear self

I’m sorry about complaining about working when I’m blessed enough to even have a good job where I make enough to support myself AND have fun. I have the kind of job I’ve always wanted, so I’m sorry for whining about having to go to work.

I’m sorry for not treating you properly. Sometimes, I put literal poison in your body and cause you to act like someone you’re not. I continue bad habits for days at a time, not nourishing you the right away and taking care of you. You’re all I have…I’m sorry for not treating you like the incredible miracle of a vessel that you are.

I’m sorry for feeling unmotivated and sluggish towards life and my responsibilities. Me “not wanting to adult” is taking the beautiful life I have for granted. I could be struggling for food, water, shelter, an education, or healthcare, but I have everything I need handed to me on a silver platter.

I’m sorry for indulging in relationships that don’t truly align with my soul purpose and what I want to achieve in life. These relationships just bog you down and keep you distracted instead of focused on what really matters…YOU.

I’m sorry for beating you up for expressing emotion and being vulnerable and sensitive. Nowadays, being emotional is deemed as a weakness, but it makes me strong. I have a war going on within my mind and my heart 95% of the time, and I still try my hardest to be nice to others and make people feel happy and understood. I want to fill myself up with love and heal myself just so I can be able to teach others how to love themselves. That is an impressive feat.

Most importantly, I’m sorry for ever thinking that healing is LINEAR. Self-discovery/healing yourself is so, so far away from taking a trip from A to B. You mess up and realize new things with every mistake. You’re that much closer to the top with every setback that you experience. You’re learning more about yourself and how you handle things and you’re trying your best.

You know what it’s going to feel like when you accomplish your goals, how liberated and free you’re gonna be when you aren’t shackled down by self-doubt and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Your life will be dedicated to health and happiness, instead of avoiding your problems with alcohol and engaging yourself in a lifestyle that’s not meant for you. It sounds so cheesy, but you know the things that TRULY make you happy and what kind of life you want to live. You make the choice to stay in your comfort zone of messing up, treating yourself badly, and being shameful.

Why are you shameful? There are so many people around you that do the same self-destructive shit you do. It’s because you have POTENTIAL. You KNOW it. When you don’t live up to it, it bothers you. It bothers you to no end. You can basically taste victory and you stand in your own way before you get too close.

Not anymore. Not today, Satan. You can go on this rocky rollercoaster, back and forth, at a war with your Higher Self. But all paths eventually lead back to you. You will always end up showing up at your own door, knocking.

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