For the longest time, I genuinely thought that if I just found that right person, everything would fall into place. I wouldn’t feel the urge to go out and drink so often because I’d have somebody at home to spend time with. I’d feel more confident about myself because I would have somebody that loved me unconditionally and it would help me love myself. I’d be happier and less bitter if I had somebody who understood me. But FINALLY, and very recently…it dawned on me. You find the right person only after you’ve healed yourself first. Once you’re healed, then you’ll find that love you truly seek.
Why is it that your friends and family can give you the same advice over and over and you think you understand, but then one day it suddenly clicks? I couldn’t tell you how many times my friends told me that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship yet. “What?! I’m sooo ready! I just want to settle down!” But looking back, they were so, so, so right. I was going through internal battles that needed time and self-care that nobody could help me with but myself. Every time I tried to start seeing somebody, I failed. I was still struggling with my self-esteem and my problems with alcohol. I still tried to mask who I really was, wasn’t opening up, and was trying to be somebody I wasn’t, and then I was wondering why nobody was falling for me. I know now that it’s because I wasn’t giving anybody the opportunity to. I wasn’t being vulnerable and open. I wasn’t at peace with myself. I wasn’t in love with myself. I was just broken. I was trying to fill a void. And when somebody is broken and insecure deep down, it gives off an undeniable negative vibe.
Now, whenever I feel jealous or insecure, I just ask myself, “Why? Why do I feel this way? Do I have a real reason to feel this way, or is it just that negative voice in my head?” That negative voice is just the voice of somebody who is afraid. Afraid of being abandoned, afraid of loss, afraid of failure, afraid of not being good enough. But it’s not real. The more spiritual work I do within myself, the more I realize how truly loved I am and how many special and powerful gifts that I have to offer. I am whole within myself and the more I heal ME, the easier it will be for me to have positive relationship experiences. Fear and anxiety have played a crucial role in many of my relationships that have gone south. My go-to quick fix has always been alcohol, which inevitably leads to more problems and makes me act like a person that I’m not. So if alcohol has been my “remedy” that has only failed me time and time again, it’s time to find a new one. I found that meditating, praying, spending time alone to recharge and do the things I love, having quiet time in nature, and of course writing, were all positive things that help me connect with myself better and actually bring me joy instead of inevitable regret and shame.
It honestly boggles my mind how you can hear the same cliché quotes a million times, but then all of the sudden, you just get it. You NEED to heal yourself and then the rest will fall into place. You NEED to love yourself if you want to heal your life. The secret of attraction is to love who YOU are. Every time I start to feel unsure about something or somebody, I just look within. I don’t beg for reassurance, I don’t lash out, I don’t worry, I don’t make up worst-case scenarios, I don’t imagine myself being abandoned. I just look within. I center myself. There’s something inside that causes those negative thoughts and feelings and you need to recognize it, address it, and heal it.
You are loved. You’re worthy of love. There’s so many things about you that somebody will adore. The only person that’s standing in the way of your dreams coming true is you. Spend time doing that soul work that you so desperately need to do instead of looking for something outside yourself. It starts on the inside.