heal yourself first

For the longest time, I genuinely thought that if I just found that right person, everything would fall into place. I wouldn’t feel the urge to go out and drink so often because I’d have somebody at home to spend time with. I’d feel more confident about myself because I would have somebody that loved me unconditionally and it would help me love myself. I’d be happier and less bitter if I had somebody who understood me. But FINALLY, and very recently…it dawned on me. You find the right person only after you’ve healed yourself first. Once you’re healed, then you’ll find that love you truly seek.

Why is it that your friends and family can give you the same advice over and over and you think you understand, but then one day it suddenly clicks? I couldn’t tell you how many times my friends told me that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship yet. “What?! I’m sooo ready! I just want to settle down!” But looking back, they were so, so, so right. I was going through internal battles that needed time and self-care that nobody could help me with but myself. Every time I tried to start seeing somebody, I failed. I was still struggling with my self-esteem and my problems with alcohol. I still tried to mask who I really was, wasn’t opening up, and was trying to be somebody I wasn’t, and then I was wondering why nobody was falling for me. I know now that it’s because I wasn’t giving anybody the opportunity to. I wasn’t being vulnerable and open. I wasn’t at peace with myself. I wasn’t in love with myself. I was just broken. I was trying to fill a void. And when somebody is broken and insecure deep down, it gives off an undeniable negative vibe.

Now, whenever I feel jealous or insecure, I just ask myself, “Why? Why do I feel this way? Do I have a real reason to feel this way, or is it just that negative voice in my head?” That negative voice is just the voice of somebody who is afraid. Afraid of being abandoned, afraid of loss, afraid of failure, afraid of not being good enough. But it’s not real. The more spiritual work I do within myself, the more I realize how truly loved I am and how many special and powerful gifts that I have to offer. I am whole within myself and the more I heal ME, the easier it will be for me to have positive relationship experiences. Fear and anxiety have played a crucial role in many of my relationships that have gone south. My go-to quick fix has always been alcohol, which inevitably leads to more problems and makes me act like a person that I’m not. So if alcohol has been my “remedy” that has only failed me time and time again, it’s time to find a new one. I found that meditating, praying, spending time alone to recharge and do the things I love, having quiet time in nature, and of course writing, were all positive things that help me connect with myself better and actually bring me joy instead of inevitable regret and shame.

It honestly boggles my mind how you can hear the same cliché quotes a million times, but then all of the sudden, you just get it. You NEED to heal yourself and then the rest will fall into place. You NEED to love yourself if you want to heal your life. The secret of attraction is to love who YOU are. Every time I start to feel unsure about something or somebody, I just look within. I don’t beg for reassurance, I don’t lash out, I don’t worry, I don’t make up worst-case scenarios, I don’t imagine myself being abandoned. I just look within. I center myself. There’s something inside that causes those negative thoughts and feelings and you need to recognize it, address it, and heal it.

You are loved. You’re worthy of love. There’s so many things about you that somebody will adore. The only person that’s standing in the way of your dreams coming true is you. Spend time doing that soul work that you so desperately need to do instead of looking for something outside yourself. It starts on the inside.

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don’t be afraid of that “thing”

I seriously couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve failed or gotten rejected or turned away from something (or somebody) and felt like a complete and total loser.

I stumbled upon this video of Oprah talking about how “there are no mistakes” and she described EXACTLY how I feel right now. I think you should definitely watch if you want to know what I’m talking about.

She makes so many good points in this video, but one of her best messages is when she talks about what she’d say to a younger version of herself. She’d tell herself to relax and that everything is going to be okay. Do you know how often I sit down and ask myself, “Am I going to be okay?” When I barely have enough money to pay my bills, when I’m having problems with friends or family, when I’m heartbroken, when I don’t do well on a test, etc. I often find myself in these predicaments where I’m thinking about all the things that I want to be going right but they just so happen to be going oh so wrong. You picture exactly how you want your ducks to be in a row, but you keep getting thrown off your course. She says in the video that failure is just that “thing”. It’s that thing that throws you off balance but inevitably just forces you to make a change and get back on the path that’s meant for you.

A friend told me recently that I’m going to keep making the same mistakes over and over again until I learn my lesson, and it’s true. I’m going to keep messing up and failing until I finally get it through my thick head that the decisions I’m making aren’t aligned with my true path. I complain when things aren’t going my way but at the same time, I make decisions that aren’t getting me to where I’m meant to be going.

Sometimes, you get let go from that job. That person rejects you. Your friend turns their back on you at your worst hour. You’re struggling to make ends meet. You keep getting pulled into bad habits and temptations that inevitably make your life harder than they do easier. You fail that class. You realize that you hate your major and that you have no idea what you want to do with your life. All you can do is sit back and think about what your next best move is. Why am I in this position, and what’s the next best move to solving it? Take it one baby step at a time, and then the next baby step, and then the next and the next. Sooner or later, you’ll look back and wish you told yourself to relax. Everything is going to be okay.

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self-destructive behavior

I would be lying if I said a year later after starting this blog, I’m healed.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still trying to fill a void. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still lonely. I’d be lying if I said that I’ve changed for the better, that I’m this whole new person, and that I’m not falling into the same destructive habits. I’d be lying if I said I was okay and “thriving”. I’m not very okay.

The other day, I looked at my coworker and asked him a question that I knew he knew the answer to…I asked if he knew what it felt like to knowingly ruin things that were going well. He laughed and shook his head and goes, “Yeah, self-destructive behavior.” Standing in your own way, seeing that things are going peachy and since you’re not used to it, it feels more comforting and normal to mess things up again so you can climb your way back to the top after failure. I know this feeling all too well. 3 in the morning, not knowing what my next move is, not knowing how to make things right. I think God laughed at me when I told my coworker that night, “Sometimes, life gets too easy. I need some kind of challenge to keep things interesting.”

Too easy? A challenge? I’m lucky, no, blessed to have a life where things actually seem like they’re going well for more than a minute. There are people who have nothing. They don’t have a family, a home, food to eat, a bed, clean water, etc., and I run around knowingly making my life harder for myself even though I have all the tools laid out in front of me to succeed. I messed up badly about two years ago now. I lost a lot of the good things I had going for me because of a selfish decision, a decision I made because I didn’t want to be alone in that very moment. Drinking and driving, risking my life and risking the lives of others, seemed worth it because of how badly I didn’t want to be alone. Two years later, I want to say that I’m healed, that it’s a part of the past and so are you. I can’t say that. I’m still thinking about you, drinking about you, and feeding this toxic habit that’s almost as self-destructive as drinking itself. It feels good in the moment but gets me absolutely nowhere and inevitably makes me feel worse in the end. Why do I consciously take part in the things that I know are killing me inside?

Because I think, it’ll be different this time…it won’t affect me this way, I’ll be okay. But it’s not different that time or this time or any other time. It’s always. the. same. Every time I engage with you is like engaging with alcohol. It gives me a short-lived high and a really hard crash and burn back to reality. I’m left picking myself off the ground, swearing I’ll never do it again, swearing I know better. Then alcohol shoots me that “Hey” text, and I fall in love all over again. I’ll never stop saying that love is like a drug.

I’ve been given so many chances, and those chances run out. They always do the more you take advantage of them. The more you look at those chances like a joke that you deserve, they quickly get taken away from you. Only so many times can somebody look at you and give you the benefit of the doubt that one more time. Only so many times can God save your life that one more time. Only so many times can God pick you up off the ground and make you want to try again. Sooner than later, the weight just feels too heavy. Sometimes I just want to stay on the ground. Maybe it’s easier.

More often than not, I’m starting to feel like everybody in my life is becoming my shrink. I need to ask people if I’m going to be okay, if it’s all going to be okay. Am I going to move past this, am I going to heal? It’s been almost two years now. Two years of this cycle of crashing and burning and recovering. My boss told me today, “Everyone goes through it, everyone has their rough patches.” I’m ready for mine to be over now. I might actually surrender to the mundane, the safe, and the “normal”. Normality has been something I’ve feared for as long as I remember, but maybe normal is good. Maybe normal is what I need. Maybe the drama and the ups and the downs need to be a part of my past instead of a standard that I live my life by.

“I imagine living a life that I don’t need to escape from.”

If we’re being honest with ourselves, alcohol doesn’t make me happy. It makes me forget. It makes me not be myself for a little bit. How nice would it be to not want to run away from myself? If I got to that point where I was happy, full, without you…without anyone or any kind of outwardly substance to comfort me, that’d be almost too nice. I’d lose a lot of my friends. I’d drift away from my old life and emerge into my new one. I wouldn’t be the same person that a lot of people met. One of the scariest parts of changing yourself is outgrowing people and shedding them like dead skin. You’re not the person they knew, you don’t go to the same places or do the same things, you don’t have the same negative coping mechanisms, you’re different. I guess I have to teach myself how to be okay with that. Spiritual awakening isn’t this zen, cake walk of a life transformation. It’s tough.

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There is something so beautiful about looking at somebody, or even just looking at yourself, and saying, “I’m not okay.” I love breaking that barrier and being the first one to be vulnerable and transparent because 9 times out of 10, I always get a positive response. I love when somebody looks at me like, “Finally, someone else gets it.” Be real. Be open. Connect with others. Tell somebody how you feel. That’s why love is so powerful and why so many people want it and are chasing after it. If it’s done the right way, it’s incredibly healing to be heard and understood. You’re not alone.

high vibration life

I’m sure many of you have heard of the New Age-y concept of the law of attraction. Maybe you watched “The Secret” documentary on Netflix or read the book, got inspired, but then dismissed the idea altogether when you didn’t immediately manifest a wedding ring or a new sports car just by thinking about it. I’ve even had my fair share of doubts, but maybe that’s exactly why I didn’t see the results that I imagined. How are we supposed to manifest something if we only half-believe it will show up and only half-ass the process of raising our vibrational frequency?

But do you want to know what the root of “The Secret” is? It’s not just blind faith, it’s not witchcraft, it’s quantum physics (for all of you “science over faith” people). It’s kind of hard to summarize something so complex, but I found this quote that sums it up pretty nicely:

“Think of a quantum wave function as an e-mail you transmit out into the universe, containing the details of what you want to have, do and be in your life, containing data of what you want to cohere, or manifest, in your reality.”

Your thoughts are e-mails that you send out to the universe and the response that you get is based on what you send out. Are your thoughts filled with negativity, fear, and self-doubt or are they filled with positivity, gratitude, and faith? If you sent somebody a negative e-mail, chances are you would get a negative response. The universe is responding to you. It’s science.

One of my go-to coping mechanisms for feeling depressed has been laying in bed all day, skipping class, going in and out of sleep as much as possible while a Netflix show drones on in the background, and just hoping that something good might happen eventually if I mope around long enough. Sounds pretty stupid, right? Guess when I actually do start feeling better? When I realize that nothing good magically pops up out of nowhere when I’m feeling sorry for myself and wasting my days away. It’s when I decide to make a cup of tea, meditate, go to yoga, pray, actually go to class and get some homework done, hang out with good friends, paint something (even if it sucks), write, go outside, etc. Then I start having more positive thoughts, I start feeling more energized, and then maybe I get a few strokes of “good luck” here and there. When I start doing things that make me happy and start loving life, life starts to love me back.

Today, I came across a podcast series called “High Vibration Life” by Robyn Openshaw. After feeling rather down in the dumps for the last couple days, it was really nice to get a reminder of the law of attraction and how it works. It begins at the cellular level. The world rearranges to mirror the energy that you’re giving off. This is why people who always complain find themselves in even more negative situations, or why people who always whine about being single never find the right person, or why people who fight every single moment of their lives to be positive, gracious, and faithful despite what circumstances are in front of them usually end up with serendipitous blessings and good outcomes. Gratitude attracts more things to be grateful for, negativity attracts more things to feel negative about. If you don’t believe it, then sit back and think about some of the best and worst times in your life…what kind of mindset did you have? What kind of activities did you engage in? How were you taking care of your body?

After listening to Robyn’s podcast, I decided to do her little challenge of writing about what my “high frequency life” looks like. Basically, she asked what your life would look like at your healthiest, happiest, and most spiritually connected. This is what mine said:

  • I don’t crave alcohol or unhealthy food. I only crave to put things in my body that make me feel good.
  • The only relationships I engage in lift my spirit and make me feel good about myself.
  • I have the strength and self-respect to turn away from people who don’t act like they value me or see my worth.
  • I am strong and fulfilled on my own; I don’t need anyone’s validation or attention to feel happy and complete.
  • I wake up early in the morning, ready to take on the day. I view my responsibilities and priorities as blessings of opportunity.
  • I am careful about the energy that I bring to any situation. I lift up the people around me and think more about how I can positively affect others.
  • I spend less time beating myself up about the past and spend more time creating a better future.
  • I exercise, do yoga, and meditate as often as I can.

Once you put it all out there in tangible form, you realize that living your best life isn’t a pipe dream…it’s completely doable and realistic if you put your mind to it. So, I challenge you to think about your “high vibration life” and write down some of your goals. Look at them everyday and really feel what its like to achieve them.

I highly recommend listening to the episode that I listened today, here is the link. I also recommend watching this video of Jim Carrey and Oprah, two of the most well-known celebrities today that both came from difficult backgrounds and claim that visualization and hard work helped them achieve success. They are living, breathing examples of people who created amazing futures through positive intention. It’s not just hippie-dippie bullshit…it’s how you can genuinely change your life for the better.

I’m hoping that one day, I can give utilizing the law of attraction complete credit for my bountiful and fortunate life. But if I’m doing it right…I’m going to say that I already have it.

the autumn equinox and what it says about your life

Whether or not you consider yourself a spiritual person, the autumn equinox is said to be a symbol of harvesting and gratitude.

According to this website, “Indigenous cultures recognized earth-based wisdom and understood that the four focal points of the year: the Winter Solstice, Spring Equinox, Summer Solstice, and Autumn Equinox; illuminated stages of an inner spiritual journey – a spiritual cycle that the individual takes within themselves.”

The seasons and cycles that go on in nature are also present in our every day lives. I find myself in very similar positions and emotional states depending on the time of the year, and Fall has always been my favorite season. Whereas most people’s favorite holiday is Christmas so they can wake up in the morning to see bundle of presents under the tree, my favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. No giving, no taking, just expressing thankfulness for everything that is currently present in your life.

It is said that the autumn equinox is also a good time to think about your past as well as the journey you’re currently on, and to set positive intentions that will manifest in the winter. Personally, I think everyone needs a good excuse to take a step back and reflect on where they’ve been and where they’re going. After all, it was the Ancient Greeks that wrote frequently about the importance of “knowing thyself” in their literature.

If you want to get really “hippie-dippie”, intuitive astrologists declare this as a time where we are going to be wrapping up whatever lessons we have needed to deal with in 2017 and to face up to any truths that have now become a reality. Facing the truth is sometimes hard…maybe you need to outgrow a certain habit, person, lifestyle, or mindset that you haven’t been fully ready to confront. After all, it is the season when trees shed their dead leaves and make room for regrowth.

Here are some positive intentions about releasing negativity that you can write about and/or speak into the Universe. You’d be surprised how much better you’ll feel when you clearly set your mind on want you want.

  • “Even though I love (blank), I am ready to release them/it and welcome peace into my life.”
  • “I am no longer going to hold onto (blank), I am ready to let go and experience joy.”
  • “I release all that no longer serves me and welcome in energy that is only for my highest good.”
  • “It is no longer my responsibility to carry (blank), I now release this weight to the heavens.”
  • “I clear myself and release myself from (blank), I am now free to be at peace.”