thank you to the supportive individuals in my life

I have two different types of influences in my life. I wouldn’t say one is “good” and one is “bad”, but one is significantly more persistent in trying to help me achieve my goals and dreams and one is more persistent and trying to keep me stagnant and stuck in my old ways.

I’m so lucky and blessed that I have a group of friends from home, friendships from elementary school – middle school that have seen it ALL. We’ve all seen each other’s awkward stages, we’ve all gone and grown through a lot, and most importantly, they know who I really am. They know who I was before my accident, before I got in trouble, before I saw myself (and others saw me) as this crazy girl with a drinking problem. Or an insecure girl who tried solving her issues by numbing them and acting out as a cry for help. They continue to counsel me and listen to me, even after every fuck-up and every downfall, because they know who I am and want to see me come back home to myself.

Then there are those who only know me as this girl…the partier, the wild one, and especially, the hot mess. That was the girl they met and they (surprisingly) like her. Why? Because these people are no different, therefore they don’t want me to change. They don’t see a problem in me because they don’t see one in themselves, and most importantly they don’t want to change either. Which is perfectly fine for them, but there comes a point in your life when you have to think about who YOU want to be. You have to distance yourself from people who don’t challenge you or want you to grow. You have to establish healthy boundaries so you’re not constantly surrounding yourself with people who don’t understand your vision and just want you to stay the same.

I talk a lot about influences because you become like the five people you surround yourself with the most. Naturally, your energy and habits rub off on each other and you start doing the same things and thinking the same way. Dropping people like flies and changing your lifestyle as you know it is HARD. Trust me, I’ve been trying to do it for a year. It’s not an overnight process, but focus and determination and making more of an effort to connect with the positive people in your life will get you closer and closer to where you want to be.

I guess that I’m just the kind of person that has a hard time cutting people off. I always look for the good in others and always give people the benefit of the doubt. I love learning about where people come from and why they are the way they are, which inevitably pulls on my heart strings and causes me to be more understanding, despite somebody’s toxic ways. But I’ve realized something recently more than I ever have…you can’t constantly be there for people that don’t have your best interests in mind at the expense of your well-being. If somebody is hurting you or bringing you down, but you’re always looking for the good in them anyways…it’s time to let go. You won’t be a bad person for putting yourself first and looking out for yourself.

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dear self

I’m sorry about complaining about working when I’m blessed enough to even have a good job where I make enough to support myself AND have fun. I have the kind of job I’ve always wanted, so I’m sorry for whining about having to go to work.

I’m sorry for not treating you properly. Sometimes, I put literal poison in your body and cause you to act like someone you’re not. I continue bad habits for days at a time, not nourishing you the right away and taking care of you. You’re all I have…I’m sorry for not treating you like the incredible miracle of a vessel that you are.

I’m sorry for feeling unmotivated and sluggish towards life and my responsibilities. Me “not wanting to adult” is taking the beautiful life I have for granted. I could be struggling for food, water, shelter, an education, or healthcare, but I have everything I need handed to me on a silver platter.

I’m sorry for indulging in relationships that don’t truly align with my soul purpose and what I want to achieve in life. These relationships just bog you down and keep you distracted instead of focused on what really matters…YOU.

I’m sorry for beating you up for expressing emotion and being vulnerable and sensitive. Nowadays, being emotional is deemed as a weakness, but it makes me strong. I have a war going on within my mind and my heart 95% of the time, and I still try my hardest to be nice to others and make people feel happy and understood. I want to fill myself up with love and heal myself just so I can be able to teach others how to love themselves. That is an impressive feat.

Most importantly, I’m sorry for ever thinking that healing is LINEAR. Self-discovery/healing yourself is so, so far away from taking a trip from A to B. You mess up and realize new things with every mistake. You’re that much closer to the top with every setback that you experience. You’re learning more about yourself and how you handle things and you’re trying your best.

You know what it’s going to feel like when you accomplish your goals, how liberated and free you’re gonna be when you aren’t shackled down by self-doubt and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Your life will be dedicated to health and happiness, instead of avoiding your problems with alcohol and engaging yourself in a lifestyle that’s not meant for you. It sounds so cheesy, but you know the things that TRULY make you happy and what kind of life you want to live. You make the choice to stay in your comfort zone of messing up, treating yourself badly, and being shameful.

Why are you shameful? There are so many people around you that do the same self-destructive shit you do. It’s because you have POTENTIAL. You KNOW it. When you don’t live up to it, it bothers you. It bothers you to no end. You can basically taste victory and you stand in your own way before you get too close.

Not anymore. Not today, Satan. You can go on this rocky rollercoaster, back and forth, at a war with your Higher Self. But all paths eventually lead back to you. You will always end up showing up at your own door, knocking.

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just because i’m spiritual doesn’t mean i’m positive all the time

There’s this common misconception that if you claim to be a “spiritual” person, then you must be super zen and super chill and feel no emotions other than happiness 24/7. You never curse, you never want to slap somebody, you never get annoyed, you never get frustrated, you never want to make a bad decision, and you’re ALWAYS in a perfect tree pose while holding a joint in one hand and a kale smoothie in the other. You must be picture perfect like all the other Instagram-yogis who portray this “Buddha-ful” life through filters and staged photos of handstands in front of waterfalls.

Going on a real spiritual journey is a lot more than that. Some of those wonderful things might be included, but most of the time, you don’t get to all that good stuff unless you go through some really shitty stuff too. Spiritual journeys include a lot of breaking down, a lot of solitude, a lot of buried stuff coming to the surface in possibly ugly ways, a lot of healing, a lot of growth, a lot of realizations, and yes, a lot of beauty, happiness, and a newfound sense of peace in the end. I’ve been discovering so much of myself, piece by piece, through every mistake I’ve made and every regret. I’ve felt so hurt at times that I’ve wanted to hurt somebody else so they can understand how I feel. I’ve felt my heart break for somebody else, and then that person’s heartbreak became mine and I wanted to hurt the person that hurt them. I’ve gone through the same repeated negative cycles over and over just so the Universe could keep trying to knock the same ol’ lesson into my head after I didn’t understand the first ten times. I’ve judged others for their poor decisions knowing damn well that I’m not the queen of logic and reason. I know that I’ve been on a winding rollercoaster of a spiritual journey and frankly, I don’t give a shit if it hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies and “namaste” this and “namaste” that. Spiritual people acknowledge their shadow self just as much as they acknowledge their light. To deny myself to feel hate, anger, jealousy, and sadness would be denying myself the right to be HUMAN. To deny myself the room to make mistakes would be denying myself the right to be IMPERFECT.

“If all you talk about is love, light and positivity, be prepared for a harsh but liberating reality check. What goes up must come down. Light and darkness work together to create the whole of existence.”

I’m not trying to only advocate for myself here. I’m trying to say that you’re only going to be hindering yourself from growth and a better, more complete understanding of yourself if you deny the fact that you have shadows and imperfections just as much as the person next to you who is judging you. Maybe you’re the one judging yourself. Maybe you’re sitting there thinking you must not be a “spiritual person” or have the potential to be one because you have an addiction, a mental illness, or a loss of motivation towards life. Maybe you just cussed out your roommate or got piss drunk at the bar and that’s not something the Dalai Lama would do. Guess what? SPIRITUAL PEOPLE ARE ALL THOSE THINGS TOO. Because we all have a spirit. The choice you make is whether or not you want to acknowledge it. Whether you want to allow yourself to see the synchronicity, the hidden meanings, the lessons, and the signs. Whether you want to achieve YOUR HIGHEST POTENTIAL as a human being on Earth. That’s what a spiritual person is. So, you can still tell somebody (who deserves it) to fuck off while simultaneously wanting to drink a cup of green tea and light some incense.

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hippie gifts you’ll ♥

I know that I’ve touched on some heavier topics recently, but since December is coming up, I wanted to lighten the mood. As you probably already figured out, I love anything spiritual, artistic, “hippie-like”, etc. If you have somebody in your life that has bohemian taste but you don’t know where to start, or if you want to treat yourself for the holidays, I formulated a little online shopping list that would definitely not disappoint a flower child.

I’m a big fan of healing and self-care. A lot of these items are feel-good gifts for anybody who cherishes relaxation, beauty, and good vibes.

  1. Healing Stone Mugs

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Perk up your spirits with these hand-thrown mugs that harness the power of healing stones. (uncommongoods.com, $22)

2. Hidden Crystal Candle

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These handmade soy candles each contain a hidden crystal associated with healing, luck or, success. (uncommongoods.com, $22)

3. Birthstone Wishing Balls

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Capture a single wish, accomplishment, or meditation every week throughout the year inside this work of art. ($32, uncommongoods.com)

4. Starburst Essential Oil Diffuser

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This gorgeous, glass diffuser outputs a steady aroma stream while entertaining anyone watching. ($59.99, oilandwind.com)

5. Zodiac Tees & Bags by MyLifeCreated

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(Bag $17.99, Tee $20, teespring.com)

6. Succulent Gift Box

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The gift box comes with a beautiful selection of six succulents in their 2.5″ growing pots. (succulentlyurban.com, $31.95)

7. Positive Vibes Crystal Bath Bomb Set by SimplisticBeauty4U

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Transform your bath ritual into the ultimate relaxing experience with the perfect combination of aromatherapy, meditation and bathing. ($20, etsy.com)

8. Energy Cleansing Smudge Kit by NewMoonBeginnings

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Sage cleansing is the quickest way to clear out negative energy from both objects and surroundings. ($11.50, etsy.com)

9. Raw Crystal Wine Stopper by NewMoonBeginnings

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Combine your favorite wine with a crystal wine stopper for the perfect energetic pairing. ($25, etsy.com)

heal yourself first

For the longest time, I genuinely thought that if I just found that right person, everything would fall into place. I wouldn’t feel the urge to go out and drink so often because I’d have somebody at home to spend time with. I’d feel more confident about myself because I would have somebody that loved me unconditionally and it would help me love myself. I’d be happier and less bitter if I had somebody who understood me. But FINALLY, and very recently…it dawned on me. You find the right person only after you’ve healed yourself first. Once you’re healed, then you’ll find that love you truly seek.

Why is it that your friends and family can give you the same advice over and over and you think you understand, but then one day it suddenly clicks? I couldn’t tell you how many times my friends told me that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship yet. “What?! I’m sooo ready! I just want to settle down!” But looking back, they were so, so, so right. I was going through internal battles that needed time and self-care that nobody could help me with but myself. Every time I tried to start seeing somebody, I failed. I was still struggling with my self-esteem and my problems with alcohol. I still tried to mask who I really was, wasn’t opening up, and was trying to be somebody I wasn’t, and then I was wondering why nobody was falling for me. I know now that it’s because I wasn’t giving anybody the opportunity to. I wasn’t being vulnerable and open. I wasn’t at peace with myself. I wasn’t in love with myself. I was just broken. I was trying to fill a void. And when somebody is broken and insecure deep down, it gives off an undeniable negative vibe.

Now, whenever I feel jealous or insecure, I just ask myself, “Why? Why do I feel this way? Do I have a real reason to feel this way, or is it just that negative voice in my head?” That negative voice is just the voice of somebody who is afraid. Afraid of being abandoned, afraid of loss, afraid of failure, afraid of not being good enough. But it’s not real. The more spiritual work I do within myself, the more I realize how truly loved I am and how many special and powerful gifts that I have to offer. I am whole within myself and the more I heal ME, the easier it will be for me to have positive relationship experiences. Fear and anxiety have played a crucial role in many of my relationships that have gone south. My go-to quick fix has always been alcohol, which inevitably leads to more problems and makes me act like a person that I’m not. So if alcohol has been my “remedy” that has only failed me time and time again, it’s time to find a new one. I found that meditating, praying, spending time alone to recharge and do the things I love, having quiet time in nature, and of course writing, were all positive things that help me connect with myself better and actually bring me joy instead of inevitable regret and shame.

It honestly boggles my mind how you can hear the same cliché quotes a million times, but then all of the sudden, you just get it. You NEED to heal yourself and then the rest will fall into place. You NEED to love yourself if you want to heal your life. The secret of attraction is to love who YOU are. Every time I start to feel unsure about something or somebody, I just look within. I don’t beg for reassurance, I don’t lash out, I don’t worry, I don’t make up worst-case scenarios, I don’t imagine myself being abandoned. I just look within. I center myself. There’s something inside that causes those negative thoughts and feelings and you need to recognize it, address it, and heal it.

You are loved. You’re worthy of love. There’s so many things about you that somebody will adore. The only person that’s standing in the way of your dreams coming true is you. Spend time doing that soul work that you so desperately need to do instead of looking for something outside yourself. It starts on the inside.

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don’t be afraid of that “thing”

I seriously couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve failed or gotten rejected or turned away from something (or somebody) and felt like a complete and total loser.

I stumbled upon this video of Oprah talking about how “there are no mistakes” and she described EXACTLY how I feel right now. I think you should definitely watch if you want to know what I’m talking about.

She makes so many good points in this video, but one of her best messages is when she talks about what she’d say to a younger version of herself. She’d tell herself to relax and that everything is going to be okay. Do you know how often I sit down and ask myself, “Am I going to be okay?” When I barely have enough money to pay my bills, when I’m having problems with friends or family, when I’m heartbroken, when I don’t do well on a test, etc. I often find myself in these predicaments where I’m thinking about all the things that I want to be going right but they just so happen to be going oh so wrong. You picture exactly how you want your ducks to be in a row, but you keep getting thrown off your course. She says in the video that failure is just that “thing”. It’s that thing that throws you off balance but inevitably just forces you to make a change and get back on the path that’s meant for you.

A friend told me recently that I’m going to keep making the same mistakes over and over again until I learn my lesson, and it’s true. I’m going to keep messing up and failing until I finally get it through my thick head that the decisions I’m making aren’t aligned with my true path. I complain when things aren’t going my way but at the same time, I make decisions that aren’t getting me to where I’m meant to be going.

Sometimes, you get let go from that job. That person rejects you. Your friend turns their back on you at your worst hour. You’re struggling to make ends meet. You keep getting pulled into bad habits and temptations that inevitably make your life harder than they do easier. You fail that class. You realize that you hate your major and that you have no idea what you want to do with your life. All you can do is sit back and think about what your next best move is. Why am I in this position, and what’s the next best move to solving it? Take it one baby step at a time, and then the next baby step, and then the next and the next. Sooner or later, you’ll look back and wish you told yourself to relax. Everything is going to be okay.

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self-destructive behavior

I would be lying if I said a year later after starting this blog, I’m healed.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still trying to fill a void. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still lonely. I’d be lying if I said that I’ve changed for the better, that I’m this whole new person, and that I’m not falling into the same destructive habits. I’d be lying if I said I was okay and “thriving”. I’m not very okay.

The other day, I looked at my coworker and asked him a question that I knew he knew the answer to…I asked if he knew what it felt like to knowingly ruin things that were going well. He laughed and shook his head and goes, “Yeah, self-destructive behavior.” Standing in your own way, seeing that things are going peachy and since you’re not used to it, it feels more comforting and normal to mess things up again so you can climb your way back to the top after failure. I know this feeling all too well. 3 in the morning, not knowing what my next move is, not knowing how to make things right. I think God laughed at me when I told my coworker that night, “Sometimes, life gets too easy. I need some kind of challenge to keep things interesting.”

Too easy? A challenge? I’m lucky, no, blessed to have a life where things actually seem like they’re going well for more than a minute. There are people who have nothing. They don’t have a family, a home, food to eat, a bed, clean water, etc., and I run around knowingly making my life harder for myself even though I have all the tools laid out in front of me to succeed. I messed up badly about two years ago now. I lost a lot of the good things I had going for me because of a selfish decision, a decision I made because I didn’t want to be alone in that very moment. Drinking and driving, risking my life and risking the lives of others, seemed worth it because of how badly I didn’t want to be alone. Two years later, I want to say that I’m healed, that it’s a part of the past and so are you. I can’t say that. I’m still thinking about you, drinking about you, and feeding this toxic habit that’s almost as self-destructive as drinking itself. It feels good in the moment but gets me absolutely nowhere and inevitably makes me feel worse in the end. Why do I consciously take part in the things that I know are killing me inside?

Because I think, it’ll be different this time…it won’t affect me this way, I’ll be okay. But it’s not different that time or this time or any other time. It’s always. the. same. Every time I engage with you is like engaging with alcohol. It gives me a short-lived high and a really hard crash and burn back to reality. I’m left picking myself off the ground, swearing I’ll never do it again, swearing I know better. Then alcohol shoots me that “Hey” text, and I fall in love all over again. I’ll never stop saying that love is like a drug.

I’ve been given so many chances, and those chances run out. They always do the more you take advantage of them. The more you look at those chances like a joke that you deserve, they quickly get taken away from you. Only so many times can somebody look at you and give you the benefit of the doubt that one more time. Only so many times can God save your life that one more time. Only so many times can God pick you up off the ground and make you want to try again. Sooner than later, the weight just feels too heavy. Sometimes I just want to stay on the ground. Maybe it’s easier.

More often than not, I’m starting to feel like everybody in my life is becoming my shrink. I need to ask people if I’m going to be okay, if it’s all going to be okay. Am I going to move past this, am I going to heal? It’s been almost two years now. Two years of this cycle of crashing and burning and recovering. My boss told me today, “Everyone goes through it, everyone has their rough patches.” I’m ready for mine to be over now. I might actually surrender to the mundane, the safe, and the “normal”. Normality has been something I’ve feared for as long as I remember, but maybe normal is good. Maybe normal is what I need. Maybe the drama and the ups and the downs need to be a part of my past instead of a standard that I live my life by.

“I imagine living a life that I don’t need to escape from.”

If we’re being honest with ourselves, alcohol doesn’t make me happy. It makes me forget. It makes me not be myself for a little bit. How nice would it be to not want to run away from myself? If I got to that point where I was happy, full, without you…without anyone or any kind of outwardly substance to comfort me, that’d be almost too nice. I’d lose a lot of my friends. I’d drift away from my old life and emerge into my new one. I wouldn’t be the same person that a lot of people met. One of the scariest parts of changing yourself is outgrowing people and shedding them like dead skin. You’re not the person they knew, you don’t go to the same places or do the same things, you don’t have the same negative coping mechanisms, you’re different. I guess I have to teach myself how to be okay with that. Spiritual awakening isn’t this zen, cake walk of a life transformation. It’s tough.

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There is something so beautiful about looking at somebody, or even just looking at yourself, and saying, “I’m not okay.” I love breaking that barrier and being the first one to be vulnerable and transparent because 9 times out of 10, I always get a positive response. I love when somebody looks at me like, “Finally, someone else gets it.” Be real. Be open. Connect with others. Tell somebody how you feel. That’s why love is so powerful and why so many people want it and are chasing after it. If it’s done the right way, it’s incredibly healing to be heard and understood. You’re not alone.