I have two different types of influences in my life. I wouldn’t say one is “good” and one is “bad”, but one is significantly more persistent in trying to help me achieve my goals and dreams and one is more persistent and trying to keep me stagnant and stuck in my old ways.
I’m so lucky and blessed that I have a group of friends from home, friendships from elementary school – middle school that have seen it ALL. We’ve all seen each other’s awkward stages, we’ve all gone and grown through a lot, and most importantly, they know who I really am. They know who I was before my accident, before I got in trouble, before I saw myself (and others saw me) as this crazy girl with a drinking problem. Or an insecure girl who tried solving her issues by numbing them and acting out as a cry for help. They continue to counsel me and listen to me, even after every fuck-up and every downfall, because they know who I am and want to see me come back home to myself.
Then there are those who only know me as this girl…the partier, the wild one, and especially, the hot mess. That was the girl they met and they (surprisingly) like her. Why? Because these people are no different, therefore they don’t want me to change. They don’t see a problem in me because they don’t see one in themselves, and most importantly they don’t want to change either. Which is perfectly fine for them, but there comes a point in your life when you have to think about who YOU want to be. You have to distance yourself from people who don’t challenge you or want you to grow. You have to establish healthy boundaries so you’re not constantly surrounding yourself with people who don’t understand your vision and just want you to stay the same.
I talk a lot about influences because you become like the five people you surround yourself with the most. Naturally, your energy and habits rub off on each other and you start doing the same things and thinking the same way. Dropping people like flies and changing your lifestyle as you know it is HARD. Trust me, I’ve been trying to do it for a year. It’s not an overnight process, but focus and determination and making more of an effort to connect with the positive people in your life will get you closer and closer to where you want to be.
I guess that I’m just the kind of person that has a hard time cutting people off. I always look for the good in others and always give people the benefit of the doubt. I love learning about where people come from and why they are the way they are, which inevitably pulls on my heart strings and causes me to be more understanding, despite somebody’s toxic ways. But I’ve realized something recently more than I ever have…you can’t constantly be there for people that don’t have your best interests in mind at the expense of your well-being. If somebody is hurting you or bringing you down, but you’re always looking for the good in them anyways…it’s time to let go. You won’t be a bad person for putting yourself first and looking out for yourself.